RE: Lucky White Heather?10 May 2026 07:55
OLD SHAREDOG’S SUNDAY SERMON
“The Feeding of the 5000… and the TNT Ouzo Incident.”
Beloved congregation, faithful forum dwellers, and those who only log in to see whether Colenal has declared the end of days again — welcome to this Sunday’s gathering.
Today’s reading comes from the Book of AIM, Chapter 5, Verse 5000-ish, also known as:
“The Feeding of the 5000 — although only five actually turned up, and one of them brought TNT-strength ouzo.”
THE HILLSIDE GATHERING
And lo, the hillside was quiet.
Not because of reverence — but because only five had arrived:
Colenal, clutching a spreadsheet of doom
Callit, armed with optimism and a half-eaten pasty
Capt Crober, scanning the horizon for RNS activity
Redhammy, the calm voice of reason
MSUK, carrying a suspiciously heavy bag
And I, Revd Oldsharedog, approached them and said:
“Brethren, where is the multitude?”
And Callit replied:
“They said they’d come… but they’re waiting for confirmation of the confirmation of the rumour of the update.”
THE PROBLEM
The Five Apostles of the Forum looked at their provisions:
5 sausage rolls
1 multipack of Quavers
And — from MSUK’s bag — a bottle of TNT Ouzo, glowing faintly like radioactive holy water.
Capt Crober asked:
“Is that safe?”
MSUK answered:
“Define safe.”
Colenal muttered:
“We’re doomed.”
THE MIRACLE OF THE TNT OUZO
As the sun rose, the Five grew hungry.
Redhammy suggested rationing.
Callit suggested optimism.
Colenal suggested writing a strongly worded letter to the board.
But MSUK, with the confidence of a man who has already had a sip, declared:
“Let the ouzo guide us.”
He uncorked the bottle.
The air shimmered.
The hillside trembled.
Capt Crober’s eyebrows singed slightly.
And behold — the TNT Ouzo performed a miracle.
Every sip caused:
The sausage rolls to multiply
The Quavers to regenerate
The Five to believe the share price might actually rise this quarter
And Colenal to smile for the first time since 2019
Even more miraculous:
Callit began speaking in tongues — mostly Greek, mostly loudly.
THE AFTERMATH
When the feast was over, they gathered the leftovers:
12 baskets of sausage rolls
4 bags of Quavers
And half a bottle of TNT Ouzo, which Capt Crober buried for safety, marking the spot with a warning sign reading:
“DO NOT OPEN UNTIL NEXT RNS.”
THE MESSAGE
My beloved flock, the lesson is clear:
When the crowd is small
When the food is limited
When the share price is flatter than a pancake
When Colenal is forecasting Armageddon
And when MSUK brings a bottle labelled “Ouzo — Handle With Tongs”
Have faith.
For miracles can happen.
Even on AIM.
Even with TNT Ouzo.
THE BLESSING
May your portfolios be multiplied,
May your patience be strengthened,
May your sausage rolls be plentiful,
And may your ouzo never be of the TNT variety unless supervised by a responsible adult or Capt Crober.
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