The Sunday Sermon - Demons & the Resurrection3 May 2026 08:28
OLD SHAREDOG’S SUNDAY SERMON
“On the Miracle of the Resurrection… and the Casting Out of Forum Demons (QBT Edition)”
Brothers, sisters, bagholders, lurkers, and those who only log in to ask whether Method C is “nearly ready”…
We gather once more in the holy madhouse that is the QBT forum, where hope rises, collapses, rises again, and then gets delayed pending further optimisation.
Today’s sermon reflects on the miracle of the Resurrection and the casting out of demons, both of which feel suspiciously like daily life here.
✦ THE RESURRECTION ✦
In scripture, the stone was rolled away and hope returned.
In QBT, the stone is rolled away every time someone posts:
“This could be the week lads.”
And the forum replies:
“You said that in 2022.”
But resurrection takes time. Lazarus waited four days.
QBT holders have waited through Method A, Method B, Method C, the box photo, the rotated box photo, the re‑rotated box photo, and the legendary “Italian lab source”.
Still, we believe. Because faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet patented.
✦ THE CASTING OUT OF DEMONS ✦
Jesus cast demons into pigs.
QBT demons don’t need pigs — they have usernames.
They appear as:
Useless Steve, who predicts doom every time the share price drops 0.01p.
Phimx, who posts screenshots of charts that look like ECG readings.
Mr Handji, who claims to have “sources” but they’re always on holiday.
The Box Truther, who insists the photo proves everything and nothing simultaneously.
The Algorithm Prophet, who swears Method C is “game‑changing” but can’t explain why.
But fear not. Oldsharedog raises his staff (or walking stick) and bellows:
“DEMONS, OUT! TAKE YOUR FEAR, YOUR FUD, AND YOUR 2007 LAPTOP CHARTS AND LEAVE THIS HOLY THREAD!”
And the demons flee…
…only to return under a new username with a slightly different spelling.
✦ THE FORUM APOSTLES ✦
Capt Mickey, who keeps morale alive even when the chart looks like a ski slope.
Useless Steve, the forum’s official pessimist, whose negativity is so consistent it’s practically a sacrament.
Phimx, guardian of the charts, even if half of them contradict the other half.
All4, who appears with cryptic hints that raise hopes, blood pressure, and confusion in equal measure.
LordOfTheHashrate (identity unconfirmed), who posts once every six months but causes a week of chaos.
AWL007 - Just completed the 'share dealing for Dummies' course.
The Box Photographer, whose single blurry image has generated more theology than the Dead Sea Scrolls.
✦ THE FINAL BLESSING ✦
May the resurrection come — preferably before Method D.
May the demons be cast out — preferably before they post again.
May the RNS be clear, the spread be merciful, and the algorithms actually do something.
Go forth, my children, and post in peace.
For even Lazarus didn’t wait as long as QBT holders — and he came back looking better than the chart.
DOG BLE
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