The Revd Oldsharedogs Sunday Sermon26 Apr 2026 08:28
✝️ THE SUNDAY SERMON OF REVD OLDSHAREDOG
“On This Week’s News, and Other Disasters We Didn’t Ask For”
(Featuring Colenal, MSUK, Capt. Crober, Callit, Lemonhead & RedHammy)
Beloved brethren, shareholders, bagholders, and those who only appear when the price twitches north of 0.20p…
We gather once more in the sacred SCGL chapel — the only church where hope is free, but averaging down is compulsory.
This week’s news has been a carnival of confusion: markets wobbling, politicians arguing, tech giants misbehaving, and yet somehow SCGL still manages to be the most dramatic thing in the country. Even the BBC has started using us as a metaphor for instability.
📜 THE READING OF THE WEEK
From the Book of AIM Lamentations, Chapter 0.00019, Verse “We Rise Tomorrow”:
“And the faithful did refresh their screens hourly, and lo, nothing happened.”
🧑✈️ THE DISCIPLES OF THE FORUM
Colenal
Colenal burst into the chapel waving this week’s headlines like Moses with the tablets.
“Revd, the world’s gone mad!”
To which I replied:
“Yes, but SCGL went mad first — we’re pioneers.”
He retired to the rear of the church clutching his last sausage roll.
MSUK
Now promoted to the role previously held by Callit, MSUK has been drawing charts so complex they now require planning permission.
He assures us a breakout is imminent.
We just don’t know if it’s the share price or him breaking out into a rant about market makers.
His attention is now on his own BMI having had a trip out to Greggs with Colenal.
Capt. Crober
Our fearless captain, still steering the cardboard ship through a tsunami of red candles.
He shouts “ALL ABOARD!”
But half the crew are clinging to the hull, Lemonhead is using the emergency flare as a back scratcher, and RedHammy is shouting “THIS IS THE WEEK!” for the 47th week in a row.
Callit
Now taking MSUK’s old role, Callit has become the forum’s newswire.
They post updates faster than Sky News, though every bulletin ends with:
“…but it probably won’t move the share price.”
Lemonhead
Still attending purely for the biscuits.
Still has no shares.
Still somehow the calmest man in the building.
RedHammy
Pacing the aisle like a man waiting for a baby to be born.
“THIS IS IT, REVD! I CAN FEEL IT!”
We’re still unsure whether he means the share price or his left knee.
🕯️ THE MESSAGE OF THE WEEK
My children, this week’s news has taught us:
The world is chaotic.
The markets are chaotic.
SCGL is chaos wearing a party hat.
So let us not fear the headlines.
Let us not fear the dips.
Let us not fear the trolls who appear only when we’re red.
Instead, let us embrace the madness — for madness is the only constant on AIM.
🙏 THE FINAL BLESSING
May your charts be bullish,
May your RNSes be meaningful,
May your averages be lowered,
And may your patience last longer than Capt. Crober’s optimism.
Go forth in hope, humour, and heroic delusion.
Amen.
DOG BLESS YOU ALL.
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