THE SUNDAY SAUSAGE ROLL SERMON19 Apr 2026 08:33
SUNDAY SERMON OF THE REVD OLDSHAREDOG
Delivered to the Congregation of SCGL, on this fine and flaky Sabbath Morning
Brethren, Sisters, Lurkers, and Those Who Pretend They “Don’t Check the Forum on Weekends”…
We gather today under the holy aroma of pastry, the sacred crackle of flaky crust, and the eternal question that has divided theologians, investors, and buffet‑line veterans for generations:
“He who bakes the first sausage roll… shall surely face the consequences.”
Let us turn to the Book of Gastronomy, Chapter 4, Verse 12:
“Blessed is he who brings sausage rolls unto the people,
for though his hands be greasy, his heart is pure.”
But alas, my children, purity is in short supply this week.
ON THE SIN OF NON‑INVESTMENT: THE PARABLE OF LEMONHEAD
Let us speak first of Lemonhead, he who walks among us with pockets empty of shares and hands empty of pastry.
Yea, though he attends the gatherings, and though he nods wisely at the talk of dilution,
he hath not invested a single coin.
He is like the man who attends a barbecue but brings neither meat nor drink, only opinions.
And so I say unto thee, Lemonhead:
Repent!
For the path of righteousness is paved with at least some exposure to the share price, even if only enough to feel mild nausea on red days.
ON THE SIN OF GLUTTONY: THE TESTIMONY OF COLENAL
Now let us address Colenal, who hath committed the most ancient and well‑documented of sins:
He hath eaten the majority of the sausage rolls.
Not some.
Not many.
But most.
When the tray was passed around, and the congregation reached forth their hands, lo—
there remained only crumbs and the faint memory of pastry.
Colenal, my son, you are like the hedge fund that shorted too aggressively:
you consumed more than the market could bear.
May your waistband forgive you, even if the congregation cannot.
ON THE SIN OF DILUTION: THE TRAGEDY OF CALLIT
And now, dear flock, we come to Callit, the baker of the rolls.
Once, their sausage rolls were mighty.
They were robust.
They were plump enough to cast a shadow.
But now?
Dilution.
The recipe hath been watered down like a balance sheet after a poorly timed placing.
The pastry is thin.
The filling is modest.
The rolls resemble not the proud creations of old, but rather…
miniature commemorative models of sausage rolls.
Callit, my child, thou hast become the AIM of bakers.
THE HOLY MESSAGE
So what, dear congregation, are we to learn from these three sinners?
From Lemonhead, we learn that participation requires commitment.
From Colenal, we learn that appetite without restraint leads to famine.
From Callit, we learn that dilution—whether of shares or sausage meat—benefits no one.
Therefore I proclaim:
He who bakes the first sausage roll must bake enough for all,
lest the forum descend into chaos, recrimination, and gluten‑based warfare.
THE FINAL BLESSING
Go forth, my children, in peace and pastry.
May your
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