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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
This is a new one I made up myself (best told to drunk people methinks):
Boy goes into bakers and asks, "can I have two cream cakes please?"
Baker: "Sorry son, we've only got Brown bread".
Boy: "That's ok, I've got a bike outside"
Judge in court addressing a lady in the dock ' ..so you have 10 children but never had intercourse with a living being?'
Lady '..yes your honour. I had intercourse with a ghost'
Judge incredulously 'you had sexual intercourse with a ghost? Has anyone in the court had sexual intercourse with a ghost?'
Man at back of court ' I have your honour'
Judge turning to the man ' you had sexual intercourse with a ghost?'
Man 'Ghost, I thought you said goat!'
Little Johnny is in the history lesson. The teacher asks him, "Who knocked down the walls of Jericho", to which Johnny replied, "It wasn't me miss, and even if I knew who it was I'm no snitch". The teacher, fed up with Johnny's attitude and rudeness, calls his father in and tells him what Johnny said. The father replies, "If Johnny says he didn't do it then he didn' do it".
Once upon a time an Ozzie chap rocked up in Yorkshire to develop a potash project.
The resources were huge but being in a national park planning permission to mine became a big issue. To differentiate from an existing producer and to pull the wool over the eyes of the planning committee he chose to base the project on raw polyhalite rather than the established products, SOP or MOP. By
Not only did the unknowledgeable planning committee buy the hype in a novel product but the CEO managed to sell the dream to independent investors through dodgy trial reporting, presentations and hot air. Once started these forums and traders pumped the dream and rational debate and concerns were stifled or eliminated by banning posters.
The joke is that these forums actually help private investors.
After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."
Little Jonny tells the class what he did during time home due to covd19 (see what I did there?)
"Sir, we stuffed fireworks up frogs a@rse ".
Teacher corrects"rectum, Jonny".
Jonny replies "wrecked'em? We blew em to f'ing bits ".
Sorry again! More time on hands.
Over to you Tuckupp.
I've heard that even the "ladies of the Night" are finding things "Hard" ATM
Roy
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
I think it will be later than that. They have to send the payments out by then. The money is sent to the nominee accounts. There is time for the money to clear and then the time to allocate the money to individuals.
Not yet. Should receive by the 30th
Bbarzut,
Just hang fire and it should be automatically carried out for you in the next 10 days.
my big tip is JSG,its been going for years and it pays a dividend, but wait until we start sorting this virus out, and there is not much share chat on it, do you'r own research, GL.
Best advice, ask C Fraser if you can get hold of him.
Anybody
I assume by Dignitas you actually mean Dignity? I see where you are going with this one but it is burdened with a fair chunk of debt which I am sure it can handle, it just makes me uneasy. As I have also had close connections with the funeral industry I know their reputation and, again, it makes me uneasy because both Dignity and the Co-op may well be hard hit with regulations.
As for Ocado, it is simply a trading share. It has never made a penny profit since its existence. This year won't be any different. The current situation has added a lot of costs and not much profit.
Hey guys. I am holding some sxx shares but cant find any information on how to redeem the Anglo American takeover offer. Could someone please advise?
Hi northernisler.
In answer to your question,I would recommend Ocado and Dignitas.Can't go wrong.
that is so wong
If Mr White was to screw Mr wongs daughter.....do you think one white could make two wong?
Sorry..too much time on my hands.
The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.
I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.
So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong's again.
Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.
And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.
The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.
The Moral: ... Two Wongs cannot make a white."
Ooops! Red face time.
Apologies, I totally misread my statement from Barclays, NOTHING has yet been paid to me from them.
Once again, sorry.
I am surprised at any money being distributed at the moment. There is another week to go before they have to pay up. Cash flow discipline alone means that any company would wait until the last minute and then send it by second class post.
WanderinTsar - is your account a Barclays Smart Investor account? If so you are lucky - I am still waiting.