Member Info for alphapig

In hindsight, I’m sure they’d agree reselling skidded pant returns not the way to go. Would cater for the middle aged married man but that’s not their target market.

Large delayed sell shown after hours.

Uncle, with the spread so wide everything even slightly over 0.17 is shown in blue, they’re not all buys above .17.

Wow, you weren’t reading it upside down were you?

German tour operator FTI gone bust, may be affecting SPs.

Don’t forget the wee donkey.

Guys/Gals, problems on the Ventura re nurovirus. In the metro and Mirror websites. Just for info (going on a cruise on the Britannia in July). Not invested.

A bloke got granted three wishes from a genie after rubbing a lamp he found, he had to use the second wish to put right the chaos he caused with the first, so he took a few minutes to figure out the third. He had a date with a beautiful girl that night and he wanted to impress her, so taking all things into consideration and weighing up all the alternatives, he tells the genie he wants a tadger like an elephants trunk. Ok, other people might think of something else to wish for, but it's this guy wish, let's leave it at that. Anyway, he meets the beautiful girl in the best restaurant in town and everything is going great, they've had a couple of drinks, laugh at each other's stories, and order tomato soup, with a bread roll, for a starter, everything is perfect. Then, as they start to tuck into the soup, something happens, the bloke feels his flies being undone from the inside, and as they open, an elephant trunk emerges and raises up over the dining table before sniffing around the starter, it snaffles one of the bread rolls in between its foreskin and then delivers it into the blokes backside...be careful what you wish for.

Bolloc.s

Woman goes to the doctor feeling run down and generally fatigued, the doctor eventually prescribes male hormones and tells her to come back in two weeks, which she does. The doctor asks how she's doing and she replies, "Oh I feel much better, but I've started growing hair in places I never have before". The doctor says, "Oh that's quite normal and nothing to worry about, where is the hair growing?". She replies, "On my *******s".

Woman's got a dog with a bad rash on his neck, but she can't afford vet bills, so she goes to the doctor pretending she's got the rash. The doctor prescribes an ointment to rub into her neck twice a day. The woman feels ashamed and says to the doctor, "I'm sorry, it's not for my neck, it's for my chiwowa", to which the doctor replies, "OK, rub the ointment in as I said, but don't ride your bike for two weeks".

It's the annual charity darts match between the vicars and sisters of mercy, complete with the archbishop shouting out the scores. It's a competitive game going into the decider, the vicar throws 20, 20, 5, and the archbishops shouts the score, "45", then the sister throws, "single 20, treble 20, and the last dart hits the wire by the treble 20, rebounds and settles in the forehead of the sister, killing her outright, the archbishop immediately shouts out, "ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY".

A vicar goes for a meal at a restaurant he's heard good things about. Best service he's ever had, waiter gives him the menu and he decides on steak and chips. Waiter asks how he'd like the steak and he decides on rare. Waiter goes to the hole in the wall where he shouts the order, "BLOODY STEAK AND CHIPS". and the vicar is taken aback, he calls the waiter over and explains he can't abide swearing, and the waiter reassures him that bloody steak just means a rare steak, no insult intended. The vicar accepts this, and soon after eats the best steak and chips he's ever eaten. He even gives a generous tip. A few days later the vicar is visited by his bishop, and wants to impress him, so he takes him to the same restaurant. Service turns out to be slow and the bishop is becoming agitated, so the vicar decides to make a bold move. He stands up and shouts out, "TWO BLOODY STEAKS"' whereupon the bishop stands up and shouts, "YEAH, AND PLENTY OF F'ING CHIPS.

Polo mint walks into the pub and all the regulars recede into the corners, giving the polo utmost respect and making sure they don't look into the polos direction so they don't make eye contact. A bloke remarks to one of the regulars that they seem to be paying the polo a lot of respect, and he gets the reply, "That polo is feckin' hard, don't mess with him". Anyhow, a couple of minutes later a Halls Eucolyptus mint walks in and the polo retreats to a little recess. The bloke says, "I thought that polo was hard, he's just cowered away from the Hall eucalyptus". The regular replies"Yeah, that polo is hard, but that Halls eucolyptus, he's f'ckin menthol.

Tough crowd here, same fella reccing all the posts, but one more go:
Rabbit goes into the pub, orders a pint and a cheese toasted sandwich, lovely. Goes in every day and has the same every time until the barman says he's run out of cheese and only has ham toasted sandwiches left, so the rabbit has that. Anyway the rabbit dies the next day and comes back as a ghost. The barman says that he's sorry he died, but what did he die of, the rabbit says "mixingmetoasties".

Little Johnny sitting in class at school when the teacher asks everyone to make a sentence with the word contagious in it. Of course the teacher asked for other volunteers to give their sentences first, and they all showed they grasped the meaning of the word, but eventually, with Johnny's hand still held up, she asked for his sentence. Johnny says, "I hid my brothers TV remote in his bedroom, and it took the contagious to find it".

Well, the same lad, he's been in the legion for going on a year now, he gets tasked to give security to a documentary team doing a film on insects in the oasis. One of the team is a really hot girl who takes a shine to our lad and lets him know it. When they finish filming for the day she comes up to him and tells him she'll do anything that takes his fancy. He says, "thanks very much, you couldn't hold this camel still for five minutes for me could ya".

Young lad joins the French Foreign Legion for a bit of adventure, and after training gets posted out to his batallion in the desert. After a few days he asks what everyone does for sex, there's no town nearby. One of his platoon tells him that the batallion muster at 0530 hours every morning and they have sex with the herd of camels in the oasis about two miles away. "There's no bloody way I'm doing that, that's disgusting" says the lad. But after a few days he comes round and turns up at the 5:30 muster. The Sgt Major shouted out, "On your marks, go", and everyone started running, jogging at first, but increasing pace steadily as they got closer to the oasis and the camels, eventually starting to sprint. "What the feck are we running for" shouts the lad to a guy next to him, to which he gets the reply, "Well, you don't wanna get an ugly one, do ya".

Came home after serving abroad for a few months and went down my local pub at lunchtime, the barman recognised me and said, "Hi, how are you, what you having". I said, "Cheers mate, thanks very much, I'll have a pint of Stella". The barman looked at me puzzled and said, "No, I'm not offering you a free drink, I just wanted to know what you wanted". There was a bloke, turned out to be a solicitor, sitting next to me at the bar, and he said to the barman, "hold on, you've just made a verbal contract, you offered and he accepted, you owe him a pint of Stella". The barman eventually calmed down and gave me the pint before telling me, "ok, drink that and then you're banned from coming in here again, I can ban anyone I want". I accepted this, drank up and left. That night I went on a pub crawl with my mates, and guess where we ended up, back at my local, and guess who was serving at the bar, and guess whose round it was. I went up to the bar, and immediately the barman said, "I thought I told you that you were banned at lunchtime". I said, "no, must have been someone else". He said, "it was you". I said, "no, not me", and this went on repeatedlybefore he said, "You must have a double then". I said, "Cheers, make it a Whiskey".

Two elderly women sitting in the waiting room at the hospital while their husbands are having tests done in the ward. Eventually one of the doctors comes out and tells them there's been a bit of a mix up with the labelling of the tests, and that one of their husbands has got Alzheimer's and the other has got a bad dose of a sexually transmitted disease, but it's impossible to tell which is which. The women look at each other and then the doctor, and one asks, "whatever should we do?", to which the doctor replies, "Well, on the way home, drop your husbands off a few hundred yards from where you live, and which ever one finds his way home don't let him f'ck you.