RE: Merry Christmas28 Dec 2025 08:43
🎄 The Boxing Day Sermon of Revd Oldsharedog
“On Excess, Flat‑Pack Suffering, and the Fellowship of the Confused”
Beloved congregation, welcome — whether you’re upright, horizontal, or still digesting yesterday’s roast potatoes.
🍗 On the Excesses of Christmas Day
Halfbuttons began the day wrestling a turkey the size of a family car, insisting it would fit the oven “with belief”.
Lordfolly attempted moderation with the Quality Street tin and achieved a sugar‑powered enlightenment by 11am.
Goldgirl tried to introduce portion control and was chased away by Hukktiger, who declared it “unpatriotic”.
And OTM…
After reading the cooking instructions upside down, he slow‑roasted the parsnips at 002°C for 9 hours.
They emerged unchanged, like archaeological samples.
🎁 On Unwanted Presents
Halfbuttons received a beard‑grooming kit despite being clean‑shaven for a decade.
Lordfolly unwrapped a mindfulness colouring book and abandoned it after one emotionally taxing page.
Goldgirl got a candle that smelled like a garden centre having a nervous breakdown.
Hulltiger received a 10,000‑piece jigsaw of snow — all snow — and used most of it as kindling.
OTM’s gift was a flat‑pack shelving unit.
He read the instructions upside down, assembled it sideways, and created either modern art or a hazard.
We’re still discerning which.
🔧 On Presents That Cannot Be Built
Halfbuttons, Lordfolly, and Hulltiger gathered around the manual like the Three Wise Men — except instead of gifts, they brought confusion, swearing, and a screwdriver that fit nothing.
Goldgirl tried to help, but OTM insisted the steps were “clearly in reverse order”.
They built something in the end.
Not the intended item — but something.
A structure.
A shape.
A mystery.
🙏 The Moral
Christmas isn’t about the gifts we didn’t want, the ones we couldn’t build, or the parsnips that defied science.
It’s about laughter, survival, and the blessed return window on Amazon.
Amen — and pass the leftover pigs in blankets.
DOG BLESS YOU ALL - and remember 2026 is NOW the year of delivery :)
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