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No, you two are not on your own.
...great, two punchlines for price of one.
Are we the only two left on here?
Comedian telling jokes to the only person left in the hall. He turns around And says "I never stop as long as simeone is listening ". To which the guy in the hall replies "I'm waiting to lock up mate ".
81lucky,
i thought you were going to say, she lost the PLOT.
Last year Joe bought his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Xmas.
This year, nothing.
"Why no prezy this year Joe" asks his wife.
"Well, she hasn't used her last years present yet ".
Hahaha! I was just about to put the lights out!
Joe was having a bad day, he rear ended the car in front.
Driver came out....turns out he's a dwarf.
"I'M NOT HAPPY " he shouted.
So Joe replies "well, which one are you then"?
Joining a new company, a guy had to take a physical with the company doctor.
All the tests came out fine but, after a brief hesitation, the doctor noted that he had the smallest ***** he'd ever seen. "Tell me," he said, "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?"
"No," he said. "I've got a great wife, three kids, and a normal sex life. I guess the only problem I ever have is finding it when I need to urinate."
"And yet you still have a normal sex life?"
"That's not a problem," he said, "because there's TWO of us looking for it then."
Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
Thanks for letting us all know about your luck. You are one lucky guy.
Those rag mags kept me going...no iPhones in the day. I still own a couple of copies, full of Harold Wilson jokes. Happy days.
The only cow in a small scottish town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the welsh border in wrexham for £200.
They bought the cow from the welsh farmer and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. Any attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,buy this cow from a farmer in wrexham north wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "but How did you know we got the cow from wrexham, north wales.
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from wrexham."
Re your Wednesday 15.22 post about lunatic escape,took me back as that was in the Liverpool university rag mag of 1968,slightly different ending,it read.nut bolts screws washers.thanks for the memories
A young farmer goes to market and buys a duck - it starts raining so he decides to go into a cinema - teller says - you cannot bring a duck in here - so he goes round the corner and stuffs the duck into his trousers - later on the back seat next to a courting couple the duck breaks out of his flies - the girl next to the farmer says to her boyfriend "Ere George - fella next to me has his John Thomas out of his trousers - George replies - yes and you have mine out of my trousers - yes she replies but your John Thomas is not eating my packet of crisps !
A Lion walks into a bar and asks if there are any vacancies. The manager tells him there's nothing and suggests he tries the circus which has just arrived in town. "Why would the circus want a barman ?" asks the Lion.
Joe is granted three wishes by his new found genie. "Can I get a never ending bottle of Guinness please?"
And for your remaining two wishes, enquires the genie.
"Oh I'll have another two of that Guinness bottle".
A bloke got granted three wishes from a genie after rubbing a lamp he found, he had to use the second wish to put right the chaos he caused with the first, so he took a few minutes to figure out the third. He had a date with a beautiful girl that night and he wanted to impress her, so taking all things into consideration and weighing up all the alternatives, he tells the genie he wants a tadger like an elephants trunk. Ok, other people might think of something else to wish for, but it's this guy wish, let's leave it at that. Anyway, he meets the beautiful girl in the best restaurant in town and everything is going great, they've had a couple of drinks, laugh at each other's stories, and order tomato soup, with a bread roll, for a starter, everything is perfect. Then, as they start to tuck into the soup, something happens, the bloke feels his flies being undone from the inside, and as they open, an elephant trunk emerges and raises up over the dining table before sniffing around the starter, it snaffles one of the bread rolls in between its foreskin and then delivers it into the blokes backside...be careful what you wish for.
Man gets out of bed very early Saturday morning, sneaks out to the garage, hooks up the boat and fishing gear and reverses out. The wind is gale force with torrential rain too. So he drives back in and slips into the bed, curdling his wife from the back says "it's awful out there ".
Wife replies "yes, and my husband is out there fishing ".
.
Joe and his wife are at her school reunion. She's starring at a bloke happily swigging double shots by himself. She turns to Joe and says "I was married to him once, before I met you, he took to drinking and I'm told has been like this since ".
"Wow! Who would have thought someone could carry on celebrating this long ".
Man takes his wife for a steak meal.
He orders a rump steak cooked rare.
"Aren't you worried about the mad cow? " enquires the waiter.
"Nah! She can order for her self".
An escaped lunatic breaks into a laundry, rapes a couple of cleaners and dashes off.
Next day, newspaper headlines.
"NUT SCREWS WASHERS and BOLTS "
The Earwigs were playing the Beetles in the football cup final in a packed stadium (the one where the ball is played with the foot) .
The game is in the closing stages of a 0-0 stalemate when the Earwigs manager decides to play his latest signing for his debut performance. He's just about to take the pitch when the linesman insists that his playing strip is numbered and in a rushed improvisation the manager paints a number "zero" on his top.
In the dying seconds of the match the new player makes a dazzling run from deep inside his own half and scores a peach of a goal from an acute angle. The stadium erupts into a deafening roar and the ref. blows the full - time whistle.
With celebrations at their height in the Earwigs changing room the manager looks across to see the goal - scoring Earwig alone and sobbing in the corner of the room. "What's wrong ? " he asks "you should be happy you've scored the cup winning goal" "but nobody's ever heard of me" says the Earwig. "You're mistaken" says the manager, and he leads the sad player back into the stadium. "listen !" There's the awesome sight and sound of 60,000 earwig supporters still on the terraces chanting "Earwig 0 Earwig 0 Earwig 0," ..... "Earwig 0 Earwig 0 Earwig 00"..............
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
Bolloc.s
Woman goes to the doctor feeling run down and generally fatigued, the doctor eventually prescribes male hormones and tells her to come back in two weeks, which she does. The doctor asks how she's doing and she replies, "Oh I feel much better, but I've started growing hair in places I never have before". The doctor says, "Oh that's quite normal and nothing to worry about, where is the hair growing?". She replies, "On my *******s".
Woman's got a dog with a bad rash on his neck, but she can't afford vet bills, so she goes to the doctor pretending she's got the rash. The doctor prescribes an ointment to rub into her neck twice a day. The woman feels ashamed and says to the doctor, "I'm sorry, it's not for my neck, it's for my chiwowa", to which the doctor replies, "OK, rub the ointment in as I said, but don't ride your bike for two weeks".
Hi Neil
No, it is called ‘Seriously Misled Recovery Unit and has 285 members.
Oar