RE: Holding well15 Mar 2026 07:35
⛪ The Sunday Sermon of Revd OldSharedog
On the Sacred Folly of Pie in the Sky & the Counting of Chickens by Methods A, B & C
Brethren, sisters, lurkers, and those who only log in to downvote,
We gather once more in the hallowed halls of QBT, where hope springs eternal, logic is optional, and the charts are as wobbly as Useless Steve’s poultry shed after a light breeze.
Today’s sermon concerns two ancient parables of our people:
• The Pie in the Sky
• The Counting of Chickens Before They Hatch
Both, as you know, are central pillars of the QBT faith.
📜 I. On the Pie in the Sky
Let us speak first of Mikey, the appointed Pie Tester of the Realm.
A noble calling, though some say he spends more time sniffing the crust than testing the filling.
Mikey has long assured us that the Great Quantum Pie is rising nicely, that the oven is warm, and that the aroma of imminent riches is drifting across the land.
But brethren, beware.
For every time Mikey declares,
“The pie is nearly ready,”
We discover the oven wasn't even plugged in.
And yet we believe.
Because we want to believe.
Because the Pie in the Sky is sweeter than the stale crumbs of reality.
🐔 II. On the Counting of Chickens
Now let us turn to Useless Steve, the poultry farmer whose chickens are famous for two things:
- Not existing, and
- Being counted anyway.
Steve has developed three sacred methods for counting his invisible flock:
Method A:
Count the shadows of chickens that might appear if the sun were shining and if chickens existed.
Method B:
Count the eggs that would have been laid if the chickens that don’t exist had been in the mood.
Method C:
Count the future value of the chickens that would have hatched from the eggs that weren’t laid by the chickens that don’t exist.
Brethren, this is the QBT way.
🕊️ III. The Holy Union of Pie & Chickens
Some say the Pie in the Sky and the Counting of Chickens are separate matters.
But no.
For what is a pie without filling
and what is a filling without chickens
and what are chickens without Steve
and what is Steve without a spreadsheet
and what is a spreadsheet without hope?
Thus the cycle continues.
💌 IV. A Guest Appearance from All4
At this point, let us welcome All4, editor of the Agony Aunt Column, who has received yet another letter from a distressed investor:
“Dear All4,
I have counted my chickens using all three methods, but Phimx says there's no photo of the pie ( repeatedly ) but FG says it's nearly ready.
Why am I still poor?”
To which All4 replies:
“Dear Confused of QBT,
Because you are on QBT.
Love, All4.”
A concise and accurate diagnosis, as always.
🙏 V. Closing Benediction
Go forth, my children of the forum.
- Test your pies, but check the oven.
- Count your chickens, but look for feathers first.
- And when in doubt, consult All4 — though you may not like the answer.
May your charts be upward,
your patience be long,
and your pies be real.
Amen, and pass the gravy.
DOG BLESS YO
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