RE: Neo (ex-United H2) presentation PrimaryMarkets webinar 25 June 202522 Jul 2025 18:42
There are legends, there are myths, and then there is Red Hornet—formerly of WalterMitty Hall, now of slightly behind the abandoned chip van in Jaywick, where he resides with a folding chair, a flask of something unholy, and a parrot that only repeats legal disclaimers.
Red is the kind of man who claims to have invented irony, seduced royalty, and once outdrank a Russian oil tycoon and his yacht. All in one afternoon. Which, according to him, ended in Monaco and a mild gun charge in Belgium.
Here, for posterity and public amusement, are just a few of the grand lies Red the Blaggard has told—each one more outrageous than the last, and delivered with the conviction of a man who has never once let reality spoil a good tale.
The 73 Pint Incident
“I once drank 73 pints of mild in a single afternoon. Could’ve done more if the pub hadn’t exploded from admiration.”
Red claims the local paper declared it “a feat of both human resilience and reckless fluid retention.” When pressed for evidence, he gestures to his liver and says, “Ask her. She still trembles.”
The Tyson Fury Bout (Unofficial)
Red insists he once beat Tyson Fury in a bare-knuckle contest "behind a Wetherspoons, during a solar eclipse, while hungover and wearing flip-flops."
“I had him in a headlock by round four. He said, ‘Please, Red, teach me humility.’”
According to Red, the Queen sent a handwritten note afterwards reading simply: “Well played, you rogue.”
The Philadelphia Eagles Cheerleader Episode
“One time I was in Vegas—well, actually Bognor, but spiritually Vegas—and I accidentally found myself at an afterparty with the entire Philadelphia Eagles cheerleading squad.”
Red claims they mistook him for a Scandinavian underwear model and the evening devolved into “whipped cream, synchronized cartwheels, and a lengthy discussion about Nietzsche.”
“The only thing I wore,” he adds, “was confidence and a smile.”
Other Greatest Hits Include:
Once arm-wrestled Poseidon on a booze cruise. Won.
Sold Elon Musk a timeshare on the moon. “Still waiting for the cheque.”
Played rhythm triangle on a Beatles B-side. Uncredited. "Out of respect," he says.
Briefly married to a Swiss duchess and a garden gnome. At the same time.
Local opinion is divided.
Some call him “a disgrace.”
Others say, “That bloke’s a walking pub quiz round.”
All agree: he’s the most entertaining liar ever to get banned from three bingo halls, two municipal fountains, and a donkey sanctuary (long story, not printable).
So if you find yourself wandering through Jaywick and hear the sound of someone loudly claiming to have invented lasagne or once wrestled a goose for charity—it’s Red the Blaggard. Pull up a chair. Pour something brown and suspicious.
You won’t get the truth.
But you will get a bloody good story.
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