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AL Good evening Prime Minister. How are things?
BORIS I’m keeping my head down and lying low till this Han**** affair blows over. I should have twigged really. Every time I rang to speak to him he was in a debrief. I called him in immediately and we made a deal. He would take all the flak for the unnecessary covid deaths and the PPE and testing fiascos and I would let him keep his job. Next thing you know, he is on the road to Damascus and the pixie faced weasel has resigned. We made a deal Al. Shook on it (well bumped elbows). There’s no honesty and integrity in politics nowadays.
AL. Quite.
BORIS. Caused me a difficult conversation with the Queen. Her exact words were, “Is it true that poor man has been getting his end away in Westminster?”
Well I had to reply “I’m afraid so Ma’am”.
Al. Then what did she say?
BORIS Something like “Well I never!” but it could have been “The randy beggar”. She normally hits the nail on the head.
Anyway Al. Just ringing to ask you to call your dogs off.
AL. You mean my whippets?
BORIS. No, no Al. I mean those shareholders of yours that have been pestering MPs with emails about Innova. I’ve had a word with Matt and he tells me it is an entirely private matter which is why he used his private gmail address for all the correspondence. I now consider the matter closed. Bye Al.
Along with private emails add to that the fact that his mate Lord Bethell arranged passes for his squeeze and gave £5k to Han****s failed leadership bid and played a part in the testing programme. Does not pass the smell test!
The government do not want the message getting out that 2x jabbed people can still be infectious. They are holding out the carrot of easier travel to the 2x jabbed even though they are as likely to pass on covid as the non jabbed. All down to trying to get everyone vaxxed up.
"Lateral flow test approval process must be reformed, industry leaders say."
Behind a paywall but first mainstream article discussing test approval issues. Looks like its being stirred up by BBI questioning why Innova are moving into Wales but also refers to Mologics own test. No mention of Avacta.
Hope I got the UK coded message wrong. I wondered if the Government were planning a cut price deal with the likes of Innova - hence the establishment of a Welsh factory as a front for the Chinese imports and that Al was making a point.
AL Good evening Prime Minister. How are things?
BORIS Don’t ask Al. First I had Biden interfering and had to show him I would not take any nonsense.
AL. How did you do that PM?
BORIS. I put him in that room at the back of the hotel where they empty the bins at 5 in the morning. But that’s not all Al. I had Ursular on my back all morning.
Al. Was that about the Northern Ireland Protocol?
BORIS No Al. She said Wilf’s crying kept her up all night. Good job she didn’t notice Dilyn **** his leg on her handbag. I took Wilf to see Punch and Judy on the beach this afternoon. No different from the hotel really – just people arguing about sausages. Mind you the walls are thin. I swear I hear a carol coming from the room next door.
AL. A carol PM?
BORIS. Yes Al. The one that goes: O come, O come Emanuel and that reminds me I have a meeting with Macron in the Slap and Tickle Bar in 20 minutes. Was just ringing for a favour Al. There’s been a covid outbreak on the staff cruise ship and the Americans are saying they want touch those crappy Chinese tests we are using. Any chance you could send some of those spiffing LFTs of yours?
But I haven’t brought my bike! Al……..? Al……?
I posted this on the Telegraph online response to their daily update:
The MRHA today approved the most accurate LFT test in the world produced by Avacta - a British biotech company. The government no longer has to waste billions on low accuracy Chinese tests rebranded as Innova.
Are Telegraph reporters asleep?
Maybe Avacta Investors can do their bit?
BORIS. Is tha alreet lad?
AL Is that you Prime Minister?
BORIS Yes. Just heard that the BBC is going to use regional dialects for the local news. So thought I would practise my Yorkshire accent ready for the Weatherby visit and interview by Look North. How’s things?
AL. Bit of delay with the MHRA submission. Our partner hired an agency and they submitted our test data to the MHRA instead of the MHRA. Only found out 18 days later.
BORIS. You’ve got me there Al.
Al. Well they made the submission to the Modern Humanities Research Association. The wrong MHRA! Such incompetence takes some beating.
BORIS I wouldn’t be too sure of that Al. Probably employed ex civil service. Classics degrees from Oxford and not an fig of common sense between them. Anyway got to go now Al. Time to read Wilf his bedtime story. We’re just starting Virgil’s Aeneid. Byeee!
AL Good morning PM how are you?
BORIS. Bad week Al. What with Dom spilling the beans and his expose of that crafty little beggar.
AL Well you made him Health Secretary.
BORIS I was referring to the story about Dilyn the dog. Anyway I’ve just been on the blower to the Japanese Premier. Tried to sell him our stash of those useless Innova tests for the Olympics – well I offered him them from free at the end.
AL What did he say?
BORIS He replied in Japanese. I think it was something like “Do you take us for fools?”. Said he wanted a world beating test for world beaters.
AL. Would he mind if I used that strapline?
BORIS. Look Al I know that you do not have Oxford in your company name and that you are not on our donors and cronies list but your test is pretty good and I wondered if you wanted to be official provider of LFTs at a wedding of a well known public figure
AL. *%$*! $%&*
BORIS. I didn’t know you could speak Japanese. Well never mind – byeeee!
Myles is spot on. This government has only done one thing right and that was the vaccines which bypassed public services and personnel. They have made a horlicks of everything else including testing which has been characterised by monumental incompetence. Dom is doing everyone a favour by exposing this.