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“Morning Al. Boris here. One gone and thirteen to go. Days that is not the names on Carrie’s hitlist. I had to let him go Al. I had no choice. She threatened to cut of my conjugals.
Test and trace got me. They had all been sitting on their arses doing bugger all all day and then Dildo introduced intensive training using “where’s Wally” pictures and it seems to be having an effect.
Testing is not going well. We are getting rumbled with these half assed, rebadged Chinese jobbies. The Guardian called us out but no one reads that rag. The only time their circulation went up was when there was that shortage of toilet paper. Deeks is shouting is mouth off and soon everyone will know they are useless.
December 2 is crucial. My conjugals restart and we will need your tests. Get your finger out Al.
Now – back to the playstation.”
Scientists and MPs are calling for urgent changes to Britain's isolation rules, saying the confinement of Boris Johnson demonstrates the folly of the UK's testing regime.
A total of 12 MPs, including the Prime Minister, are now self-isolating after coming into contact with Ashfield MP Lee Anderson before he tested positive for coronavirus.
Six of them, including Mr Johnson, came into contact with him during a meeting in Downing Street last week, and a further six came into contact with him elsewhere, including in Parliament.
On Monday night, scientists said the situation showed the system was not "fit for purpose", saying it would be far more sensible to offer rapid tests to those at risk of exposure. They said Mr Johnson – who was hospitalised with Covid in April – was extremely unlikely to contract the virus again and even less likely to transmit it.
Nonetheless, rapid tests should be used for anyone at risk, allowing the vast majority of those exposed to a positive Covid case to be freed far more quickly, the experts said, adding that the situation demonstrated the urgent need to introduce rapid testing for the contacts of Covid cases.
Tim Peto, a professor of medicine at Oxford University, said: "There is a simple way to take a belt and braces approach – we should be operating a system which allows him [Mr Johnson] to take a rapid test and be back in Parliament the next day.
"The current system simply hasn't adapted to the knowledge that we have got. We need to be using these tests to let people out of quarantine far more quickly."
Prof Peto led trials by Oxford University and Public Health England which last week found that the instant tests, known as lateral flow tests, identified more than 77 per cent of people infected with Covid. Crucially, they identified 95 per cent of those with a high viral load, meaning they were at their most infectious.
Prof Peto said those at risk of the virus because of close contact with an infected person should be given the £5 tests every alternate day, allowing them a "freedom pass" to circulate while they remained negative.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2020/11/16/boris-johnsons-self-isolation-shows-rules-changescientists-mps/
This is why we need home tests ASAP.
Holed up in his Downing Street flat until a week on Thursday, Boris Johnson will have a lot of time for contemplation. But before he gets onto the finer points of human existence, he should ask himself whether it is sensible to have a system which incarcerates people for the supposed risk they pose in spreading Covid-19 when, in his own words, they are “fit as a butcher’s dog” and “bursting with antibodies”?
Rules are rules, he tells us. But when you are the Prime Minister, who signed off a £12 billion test and trace system that is clearly failing, it won’t do. If anything, the case of Mr Johnson, who has had Covid before, has no symptoms, but is still required to self-isolate while not being eligible for an NHS test is a perfect illustration of why test and trace has gone very wrong indeed.
Wasn’t the whole point of test and trace supposed to be to open up society? Instead, it is doing the opposite. In the week to November 14, it tried to order 314,000 people in England to stay at home for the next 14 days, on the grounds that a close contact has tested positive for the virus. How many of these 314,000 actually had Covid-19 is not recorded. There is no attempt even to test those who are told to self-isolate – the instructions on the NHS website tell you to stay at home and only seek to get tested if you develop symptoms.
People are being taken out of society merely on the strength that they might in theory have the infection. The knock-on effect on workplaces and public services is huge. A fortnight ago NHS chief Simon Stevens revealed that 30,000 NHS staff were absent from work either because they were sick or self-isolating. Schools, too, have been deeply affected by the rules – with 25,000 teachers reported to be self-isolating at one point in September.
Evening Al. Quick vax update but first to say sorry that your share price dropped faster than my trousers. Still you have a roof over your head.
We are having a few problems. Distribution is a big issue and Jenrick bought a job lot of “stop me and buy one” bikes from ebay but Witty said they were not cold enough. Handjob wanted to call it the Han**** Vaccine which was quite apt as it involves a little prick but I wasn’t letting him take the credit. Finally there was a little mix up with the Pfizer order. I’m getting 50 vials of vaccine delivered at the beginning of December and the NHS 4 million Viagra tablets. Still, thinking out of the box, we plan to mix the tablets with ice cream and sell it as a Mr Stiffy.
Keep all this under your flat cap Al but we are going to need those tests. Would you like a 99?
Did read that cats can get covid from their owners and spread it to other cats but no evidence of cat to human transmission. Still cat owners told not to lick their pussies or was it not let their pussies lick them?
Also from Telegraph:
A coronavirus passport app promoted by Zara Tindall has been reported to the health regulator over concerns that it contradicts official guidance.
The V-Health Passport was touted as a "game-changer" to get fans back into stadiums and major sporting events.
It enables spectators to get a rapid test prior to attending an event, with results uploaded on the app's health passport.
But the app was reported to the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) by Jon Deeks, professor of biostatistics at the University of Birmingham, who said an advert promoting the passport and featuring an antibody test was "mis-selling an antibody test".
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2020/11/06/coronavirus-app-promoted-zara-tindall-reported-regulator-virus/
Just heard that Boris is replacing these test with a more cost effective alternative. You flip a coin - heads you have it and tails you don't. Early validation reports suggest a big increase in sensitivity compared to the Optigene .
@Hypermarlin. Yes - brought up and went to school in York.
@ PAHOO . Have it on good authority that Boris said there was no way he was speaking to the press until after the England v Italy game had finished.
BORIS Morning Al. “Just checking all is ok for the roll out once we have practised with these half assed tests in Liverpool.”
AL “What is the problem PM?”
BORIS “Well that Dildo woman saw some tests on Alibaba, pressed the wrong button and ordered ten million fortune cookies by mistake. Makes Grayling look like Einstein. Anyway in the end we had to send some planes out for them.”
AL “What was the rush – cookies have a fair shelf life.”
BORIS “It was for the tests Al. Needed them pronto after the delays with your tech transfer.”
AL “We had to abandon your idea as too technologically difficult. Getting a test in a cracker with a “happy Xmas from Boris” was a step too far. How are the Liverpool tests going?”
BORIS. “The logistics are problematic. Jenrick had this cracking idea of distributing Chinese tests through Chinese takeaways. Saves on costs and you can use the chopsticks instead of swabs. Also we needed to encourage the Asymptomatic scousers to come and be tested. We thought about using the existing infra- structure.”
AL. “Like surgeries and pharmacies.”
BORIS. “We were thinking more like Weatherspoons – a pint, covid test and a packet of crisps. Retrain bar staff, ditch Harding useless outfit and the jobs a goodun. Witty said it wouldn’t work so in the end we called in the army. Have you cracked the labour intensive system of assembling the kits yet?”
AL. “Fortunately our partners have expertise here. We are on it and all the tests will be stamped "made in Leicester.”
BORIS “That’s great. Onwards and upwards for the tests that save the world – well at least my arse! Can I interest you in some cookies?”
I am now able to provide details of last night’s phone call.
AL. “Good evening PM. How are you?”
BORIS. “Not good Al. Covid is spreading faster than clap in a *****house and those two ghouls Witty and Valance have been breathing down my neck for the last week. They’re out tricking and treating tonight so thought I would ring for an update.”
AL. “Well the missus and I were living in a pied a terre – well a flat above the Whaler. That chip fat smell really clings and every time I went to a meeting they thought I was from Deliveroo. Anyway I flogged a few shares and we are moving next week.”
BORIS.” Actually it was the tests I was asking about.”
AL. “Well things got slowed down a little.”
BORIS. “Yes. I must apologise. When you rang that idiot Jenrick answered the phone and he should not have advised you to try Dragons Den.”
AL. “It was more Condor. Running out of covid samples was a bit like the Whaler running out of fish. I guess they have plenty now.”
BORIS. “Look they say I am going to be the Grinch that stole Christmas. I need those tests pronto and have a reward in mind for you.””
AL “Something like a knighthood PM?”
BORIS. “I was thinking about special dispensation to keep the Whaler open during lockdown.”
AL. “I’ll get on to it right away”.
BORIS. “Thanks Al. I’m off to join the boys trick or treating.”
I am now able to share with the board details of yesterdays fortuitous meeting in a lift.
AL “Ballroom!”
BUFFET “Sorry Buddy. Am I squashing you?”
AL “I’ve a conference in the ballroom and can’t get to the lift button. Don’t you Yanks practise social distancing?”
BUFFET. “We don’t have none of that covid baloney here. Donald has our backs. Warren Buffet, Sage of Omaha. Pleased to meet you.”
AL “Alistair Smith, Wizard of Weatherby”
BUFFET. “Say Al what do you do? You don’t mind me calling you Al do you?”
AL “I run a small life science company making affimers.”
BUFFET “Sounds like a new line in suppositories.”
AL. “They are like monoclonal antibodies ………”
BUFFET “WTF are mono………..”
AL Look “I’ll write it all down for you.”
BUFFET “Fish, chips, mushy peas, bread and butter and Yorkshire tea.”
AL “I’ve written it on the Whaler menu. You’re reading the wrong side!”
BUFFET “Says here that you do take overs.”
AL “That’s the Whaler that does take aways. You need to turn it over.”
BUFFET “Next floor is mine. Here’s my card. Send me a box of those suppositories and I’ll let you know if they are any good. Have a nice day!”
To end further speculation, I am able to report that I have managed to obtain a transcript of a call between Al and Baz his broker. Baz recorded the conversation by mistake and I am now able to share it with the board.
BAZ. “Aye up Al what can I do for you today?”
AL.” I’ve got 5 million option shares but don’t have the brass to pay for them and the missus keeps on banging on about a new ceramic hob. I don’t know why she needs on as I’ve been living off fish and chips since March. Anyway I don’t have 2 pennies to scratch my arse with and I need to sell some shares.”
BAZ. “Better be careful Al. If someone in your position trades shares at the wrong time there could be serious consequences.”
AL. “Like being barred from the Wetherby Whaler?”
BAZ. “Not as bad as that but you could be fined millions. Couldn’t you just borrow the money.”
AL. “Well I thought about tapping up the Sweat Shop Boys but Boris has said he will buy all the tests and they will end up like Mother Hubbard. Boris even said if the tests were any good, he would do a Viktor Kyam and buy the company once we are out of the EU. Said he was looking for an excuse to pop up north – something about a red wall and that the chippies in London do not do scraps. OOPS just forget all of that – I have signed the Official Secrets Act and can’t talk about any of this. Do you think they will lock me in the tower?”
BAZ. “No but they might bar you from the Whaler.”
AL.” Bloody hell!”
BAZ. “Look you can sell some shares as long as they are not going to drop as quick as Harvey Weinstein’s pants the moment you sell them. What do you think?”
AL.” Probably not as he is prison. Oh you mean the shares. We’re doing all reet. Why do you think I want a war chest for my options?”
BAZ. “Well I will tell you what we will do. I will sell some shares for you but you will have to make a good excuse as to why you want the money.”
AL. “What? Like to buy a new ceramic hob you mean?”
BAZ. “Something more than that. Look a hob is a part of a home so we will say you want the money as part purchase of a home.”
AL. “Great – I owe you.”
BAZ. “Fish, chips and peas and don’t forget the scraps.”