The latest Investing Matters Podcast episode featuring Jeremy Skillington, CEO of Poolbeg Pharma has just been released. Listen here.
had to much war mongering so another on lighter note!
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ********?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...'
There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to an important meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my brand new BMW had been stolen, and I didn’t buy insurance. I left my wallet in the taxi I took home. Then, I found my wife in bed with the plumber. On top of that, my own dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
still not tradable on my HL account!
ok last one then I'm shutting down for weekend
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"
Okay something different
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck..
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
don't know why this was taken down this morning? if any body takes offence please let me know and I'll think of something else to amuse the shipmates while we wait for the big one!
Effective suicide counselling!
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump........
one more as I'm bored
An elderly couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in a booth in the local milk bar. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence! “
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
And this one just about sums them all up ................
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
something other than suttles bleating.
How government contracts are done
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street. One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool. They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
And that friends, ..... is how it all works.
14:55:26 21.92 9,165 200.90k O
14:50:01 21.8999 80,000 2m O
14:49:20 21.8999 12,283 269.00k O
14:41:55 21.92 600 13.15k O
14:40:07 21.731 1,000 21.73k O
14:37:08 21.945 5,000 109.73k O
14:36:33 21.825 11,000 240.08k O
14:35:15 21.825 22,937 500.60k O
14:34:43 21.825 25,000 545.63k O
14:31:33 21.70 161,291 4m
anybody make any sense of these?
not posted any for a while
BIOLOGY EXAM:
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.
Tony(tcxman)