A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place, just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!
I thought what on Earth is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me.
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out from behind the prawn crackers.
I thought it’s got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peking Duck!
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £10 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the £10 for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a tenner.' THE BREAKFAST WAS MY IDEA."
scott1092, I don't take no notice of them, just another rotten apple on a tree, some of them need help, perhaps they had a troubled upbringing, god bless them.
I spoke to Tristan at Investor Relations for over 15 mins yesterday. It’s obvious he couldn’t tell me anything new - but it was a chance for me to tell him how I was feeling! I’ve always believed in Sirius and okay I might not be an experienced investor and knew there would be ups and downs with the huge mining project that Sirius is. I just told him I felt worried, sad, upset for the all concerned, employees, local area and of course us - private investors - sad for those that had sold at a loss and for those who were holding feeling like I do (I’m sure there are some that are holding and remaining calm)! I told him I was worried about the way the share was being traded. I told him I could hardly read anything at the moment with the words Sirius in bec of all the negativity. I told him I was worried about the low SP and effect it would have in the review/negotiations and also that I was worried it would go down to 0p as we had nearly 6 months still to go. I told him I was worried SH’s would get left with nothing and why couldn’t the company issue a calming RNS. I also told him it was a long term investment for me and I still believed in the Company which in spite of all the above I do. He was doing his job, I know, but he completely got I was saying, told me all he could - the company was talking to all relevant parties that had been in the past discussions to take us to the next stage. They couldn’t tell us more than last week conference call as they can’t tell us anything that’s mid way through discussion. He’d been with Sirius since the early days with Chris and been in crucial situations with the company before and had always worked through them as they were working flat out to do now. They read the various chat on Sirius, angry posts, disappointed posts, de-ramping posts but also had been encouraged by many private investors that had been in contact offering support and ideas to help. That’s all I can say really
don't think I will be posting one this week, not the right time me thinks. GLA
if you want to make a small fortune in the stock market,
START WITH A BIG ONE.
i've been told if the price drops below 0 pence we will start owing them money,
genuine posts only please..
oldrascal, "99p party eh? I guess you hold 25 shares then"
I hold over 400.000 shares, and you own over 100.000, keep saving and stop guessing.
looking at some of the posts on here I think i'll settle for a 99p party on my own.
SteadyGoes I can vouch for you working in the city, i seen you 3 days ago sweeping the road in Piccadilly circus.
Rockhead, just came back from Cyprus 6.30 am, I've booked a slot for Friday 8pm ish
thanks, no posts next week, off to Cyprus.
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it.
"Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"
Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral service of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in a friend, "We had such a happy marriage for the three months it lasted. Every Sunday morning he would make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells."
She sobbed again, then added, "If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today."
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth... back and forth... in and out....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed...
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you bast@@d!!!"
Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those Symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?"
inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"
I put a small layer of poly 4 in my coal bunker in the spring, and now I can't get it out,