focusIR May 2024 Investor Webinar: Blue Whale, Kavango, Taseko Mines & CQS Natural Resources. Catch up with the webinar here.
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
A woman went to the store, steals a can of peaches and gets caught. She goes before the judge and the judge asks, "How many peaches were in the can?" She says, "Nine." He said, "Were they good?" She said, "They were delicious!" The judge said, "I'm going to give you one day in jail for each peach you ate." All of a sudden her husband raises his hand and the judge says, "Do you have something important to say about this?" "Yes, she also stole a can of peas."
I have lost all my sense of humor...
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. He says: "Have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A woman comes home after being to the doctors. Her husband said, "How did it go?" She said, "He said I had a nice fanny" Her husband was absolutely furious. He stormed down to the surgery and confronted the doctor. He said, "How dare you make such personal remarks about my wife? The doctor explained, "What I actually said was "You have acute angina!!"
won't be posting on this thread anymore.(Shut it Snooty) I have made my fortune with 88e(Driver wanted) It's been fun... Gluck suckers.
Teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"......
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
What do you call a night cleaner with a bird of prey on each shoulder? Hawk-Kestrel man hoovers in the dark.
A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00 am. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband."Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk.
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".
to all my friends and enemies.
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I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid,but he says he can stop anytime.
In a cut sequence from the Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke, "Not only am I your Father, but I also know what you're getting for Christmas!" Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously, "How could you possibly know what I'm getting for Christmas?" Darth Vader said, "Because I've felt your presents."
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
All the toilets in London's police stations have been stolen...the police have nothing to go on.
When you get a bladder infection,urine trouble.