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A backpacker is hopelessly lost in the Australian outback. He's been walking for days, out of water and resigned to his fate when he stumbles across a remote Aboriginal settlement called Mersey. He asks for water and is told that there isn't any. "How do you survive ? " he asks. "We drink a tea made from Koala urine mixed with some herbs" answers the man. He is offered some and drinks gratefully. "How on earth can you keep drinking this stuff ?" asks the backpacker. " It's disgusting and has the consistency of thick sludge." The man replies, "That's because the Koala tea of Mersey is not strained".
Romanes ite Domum.
Young lad joins the French Foreign Legion for a bit of adventure, and after training gets posted out to his batallion in the desert. After a few days he asks what everyone does for sex, there's no town nearby. One of his platoon tells him that the batallion muster at 0530 hours every morning and they have sex with the herd of camels in the oasis about two miles away. "There's no bloody way I'm doing that, that's disgusting" says the lad. But after a few days he comes round and turns up at the 5:30 muster. The Sgt Major shouted out, "On your marks, go", and everyone started running, jogging at first, but increasing pace steadily as they got closer to the oasis and the camels, eventually starting to sprint. "What the feck are we running for" shouts the lad to a guy next to him, to which he gets the reply, "Well, you don't wanna get an ugly one, do ya".
Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.
"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.
The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen" said Bob.
Well, the same lad, he's been in the legion for going on a year now, he gets tasked to give security to a documentary team doing a film on insects in the oasis. One of the team is a really hot girl who takes a shine to our lad and lets him know it. When they finish filming for the day she comes up to him and tells him she'll do anything that takes his fancy. He says, "thanks very much, you couldn't hold this camel still for five minutes for me could ya".
Little Johnny sitting in class at school when the teacher asks everyone to make a sentence with the word contagious in it. Of course the teacher asked for other volunteers to give their sentences first, and they all showed they grasped the meaning of the word, but eventually, with Johnny's hand still held up, she asked for his sentence. Johnny says, "I hid my brothers TV remote in his bedroom, and it took the contagious to find it".
Two men get caught having sex with the sultans's daughter in the Bedouin camp. The sultan asks each one to find and get 20 pieces of fruit as a punishment. The first guy comes back bringing dates. Sultan orders him to stuff them one at a time up his arse. As he is doing this he is laughing. Perplexed, the sultan asks why are you laughing?
He replies "my friend is bringing coconuts".
Can't beat the old ones.
NO JOKE -
As the coronavirus situation continues to change, we’ve got more on the big stories that you need to know.
Look out for fake lockdown fine texts
A fake coronavirus warning text is being circulated. The sinister scam claims that your movements have been monitored through your phone, and that you must pay a fine or face a more severe penalty.
If you receive the text, do not click or tap any links that these messages ask you to.
Copied directly from aal discussion board
Posts: 63
Price: 1,303.20
No Opinion
RE: I'm in02 Apr 2020 09:16
anglo american just raised £1,5 billion at 5.25 per cent for sirius mine, why could,nt frazer do it?
"Why couldn't Fraser do it "
JPM.
..they played everyone.
Everyone came to the party, some earlier than others...but are all doing fine now.
Just can't let it go.
Innkeeper: "The room is £15 a night. It's £5 if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."
Tough crowd here, same fella reccing all the posts, but one more go:
Rabbit goes into the pub, orders a pint and a cheese toasted sandwich, lovely. Goes in every day and has the same every time until the barman says he's run out of cheese and only has ham toasted sandwiches left, so the rabbit has that. Anyway the rabbit dies the next day and comes back as a ghost. The barman says that he's sorry he died, but what did he die of, the rabbit says "mixingmetoasties".
Polo mint walks into the pub and all the regulars recede into the corners, giving the polo utmost respect and making sure they don't look into the polos direction so they don't make eye contact. A bloke remarks to one of the regulars that they seem to be paying the polo a lot of respect, and he gets the reply, "That polo is feckin' hard, don't mess with him". Anyhow, a couple of minutes later a Halls Eucolyptus mint walks in and the polo retreats to a little recess. The bloke says, "I thought that polo was hard, he's just cowered away from the Hall eucalyptus". The regular replies"Yeah, that polo is hard, but that Halls eucolyptus, he's f'ckin menthol.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650." "£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
A vicar goes for a meal at a restaurant he's heard good things about. Best service he's ever had, waiter gives him the menu and he decides on steak and chips. Waiter asks how he'd like the steak and he decides on rare. Waiter goes to the hole in the wall where he shouts the order, "BLOODY STEAK AND CHIPS". and the vicar is taken aback, he calls the waiter over and explains he can't abide swearing, and the waiter reassures him that bloody steak just means a rare steak, no insult intended. The vicar accepts this, and soon after eats the best steak and chips he's ever eaten. He even gives a generous tip. A few days later the vicar is visited by his bishop, and wants to impress him, so he takes him to the same restaurant. Service turns out to be slow and the bishop is becoming agitated, so the vicar decides to make a bold move. He stands up and shouts out, "TWO BLOODY STEAKS"' whereupon the bishop stands up and shouts, "YEAH, AND PLENTY OF F'ING CHIPS.
It's the annual charity darts match between the vicars and sisters of mercy, complete with the archbishop shouting out the scores. It's a competitive game going into the decider, the vicar throws 20, 20, 5, and the archbishops shouts the score, "45", then the sister throws, "single 20, treble 20, and the last dart hits the wire by the treble 20, rebounds and settles in the forehead of the sister, killing her outright, the archbishop immediately shouts out, "ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY".
Two nuns riding a bike on a newly cobbled street. One says "have you come this way before "
The other replies "No, but sure beats the vibrator".
Joe gets invited to the local MENSA sports and social comedy night. Guy on the stage is shouting random numbers and the audience are in raptures. Joe asks his friend what's going on. Ah, he explains, these guys are so clever the jokes are coded, the audience uncode them and respond.
Joe gets on the stage to have a go and shouts out a number. Audience remain silent, his friend explains "it's the way to tell'em". So joe has another go with same result. Friend shouts "they've heard that one before ".
Told my friend a Corona virus joke......took him two weeks to get it!
At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.
The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.
The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:
"On my way through desert sand
Met a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu."
The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!
The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax?
No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:
"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"
You can tell'em tuckupp. Done any standup?
81lucky, no not really, just posting what my mates have been sending to each other over the years, i think tomorrow may be the last day for posting on this board, so thanks for the kind words, and look after yourself and family.
Will miss you. Must say your posts were a breath of fresh air during last days of sxx demise. Perhaps will meet again on another board....may be happier times.
Take care. Be safe.
Meanwhile karma will catche up with only those who deserve it. Universe has a way of putting things right.
An Irish Girl comes back home for New Year's Eve. Her father asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?"
The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."
"Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"
"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
Woman's got a dog with a bad rash on his neck, but she can't afford vet bills, so she goes to the doctor pretending she's got the rash. The doctor prescribes an ointment to rub into her neck twice a day. The woman feels ashamed and says to the doctor, "I'm sorry, it's not for my neck, it's for my chiwowa", to which the doctor replies, "OK, rub the ointment in as I said, but don't ride your bike for two weeks".