The Great Jono-Amoeba Debate29 May 2026 08:56
In the Primordial Soup Café, Jono was on his soapbox again.“I came first, obviously,” he announced, stabbing his straw into a protein shake. “I’m the main character.”The amoeba on the next stool wobbled. “Mate, I was here four billion years ago. You’re a hairless ape who still panics when Wi-Fi drops. I invented life. You invented ghosting your group chat.”Jono scoffed. “You just split in two like an amateur. I’m original. Limited edition Jono.”The amoeba (named Steve) jiggled with laughter. “Limited edition? Bro, you’re the buggy beta version. I was chilling, eating bacteria, and minding my own business while your ancestors were still learning not to be fish. I’m the OG single-celled legend.”A scientist at the corner table tried to speak. “Actually, evolutionarily—”“Shut up, Carl!” they both shouted.Steve extended a pseudopod and poked Jono’s nose. “The chicken-and-egg question is easy here. I came first. I was perfect. No taxes, no awkward small talk, no receding hairline. Then some idiot decided to add knees and anxiety.”Jono stared into his shake. “So… I’m just an overcomplicated upgrade?”“Exactly,” Steve said, proudly splitting into two identical Steves. “Evolution clearly has buyer’s remorse.”Jono sighed. “Fine. You came first. But I came better.”The two Steves replied in stereo: “Keep coping, big guy.”And that’s why we still don’t know what came first — but we all know it wasn’t Jono.