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IBAB with that masterpiece of comedy, do you think you could make it one a year.
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is make love, I can't take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband made a move on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be £10 in the kitchen, £20 in the living room and £50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's £50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"
Two young children stood in front of a mummy case in the museum. On the bottom of the mummy case they noticed ”1286 B.C.”.
”What does that number mean?” asked the first one.
The second one thought for a moment and said, ”That must be the license plate of the car that hit him.”
Joe passed away. His will provided £30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but £30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another £500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "£22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for £200
At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the £200
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.
The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.
After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.
Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.
I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."
"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."