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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"
Came home after serving abroad for a few months and went down my local pub at lunchtime, the barman recognised me and said, "Hi, how are you, what you having". I said, "Cheers mate, thanks very much, I'll have a pint of Stella". The barman looked at me puzzled and said, "No, I'm not offering you a free drink, I just wanted to know what you wanted". There was a bloke, turned out to be a solicitor, sitting next to me at the bar, and he said to the barman, "hold on, you've just made a verbal contract, you offered and he accepted, you owe him a pint of Stella". The barman eventually calmed down and gave me the pint before telling me, "ok, drink that and then you're banned from coming in here again, I can ban anyone I want". I accepted this, drank up and left. That night I went on a pub crawl with my mates, and guess where we ended up, back at my local, and guess who was serving at the bar, and guess whose round it was. I went up to the bar, and immediately the barman said, "I thought I told you that you were banned at lunchtime". I said, "no, must have been someone else". He said, "it was you". I said, "no, not me", and this went on repeatedlybefore he said, "You must have a double then". I said, "Cheers, make it a Whiskey".
Two elderly women sitting in the waiting room at the hospital while their husbands are having tests done in the ward. Eventually one of the doctors comes out and tells them there's been a bit of a mix up with the labelling of the tests, and that one of their husbands has got Alzheimer's and the other has got a bad dose of a sexually transmitted disease, but it's impossible to tell which is which. The women look at each other and then the doctor, and one asks, "whatever should we do?", to which the doctor replies, "Well, on the way home, drop your husbands off a few hundred yards from where you live, and which ever one finds his way home don't let him f'ck you.
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?"
"How dare you!" said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"
"Well, then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"
“The store sold me cut-rate food for my horse at an exorbitant price, then had the nerve to send me a 'customer service' survey. I didn't hesitate to give them the feed back.”
A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?" The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gay. The father says, "Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop." The kid replies, "Yeah, but he's so cute!"
Cliff Richard is doing a concert in Beijing and it's going great, towards the end of it he asks the audience for any requests. They all shout out, "Sing Tits and Fanny" and he doesn't understand what they're all on about so he asks how it goes, and the whole audience sings,"Tits an' Fanny, how we no talk anymore".
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard"You've been playing golf!"
Bemused Indian brave approaches his chief Roaring Thunder and asks him how he picks the names for everyone, "Well" says the chief, "Whenever there is a newborn I hold them in my arms and leave the tipi, holding the baby to the gods, I look around me and name the child according to what I see. You're mother Lone Star was so named as I looked to the skies,and your sister Running Water as The river caught my eye". The chief then looks at the brave quizzically and says, "Anyhow, why do you ask 'Two Dogs Shagging'.
Man persuades a hooker to have sex with him but as he has no money would she do it for his expensive trainers. She tells him she would but not to expect any passion. He agrees and gets on. Half way through she throws her legs around him and goes into one. When they were having a cigarette after he enquires, "thought you said no passion ".
She replies "oh that, I was just trying on the trainers ".
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Woman goes to Asian herbalist for advice as she has trouble picking men. The doctor askes her to drop her pants and asks her to bend over, which she does. Ha! he exclaims, you have eggzakkry syndrome. EGGZAKKRY! Whats that?
Doc explains your a@rse is eggzakkry same as your face.
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Judge in court addressing a lady in the dock ' ..so you have 10 children but never had intercourse with a living being?'
Lady '..yes your honour. I had intercourse with a ghost'
Judge incredulously 'you had sexual intercourse with a ghost? Has anyone in the court had sexual intercourse with a ghost?'
Man at back of court ' I have your honour'
Judge turning to the man ' you had sexual intercourse with a ghost?'
Man 'Ghost, I thought you said goat!'
Little Johnny is in the history lesson. The teacher asks him, "Who knocked down the walls of Jericho", to which Johnny replied, "It wasn't me miss, and even if I knew who it was I'm no snitch". The teacher, fed up with Johnny's attitude and rudeness, calls his father in and tells him what Johnny said. The father replies, "If Johnny says he didn't do it then he didn' do it".
Once upon a time an Ozzie chap rocked up in Yorkshire to develop a potash project.
The resources were huge but being in a national park planning permission to mine became a big issue. To differentiate from an existing producer and to pull the wool over the eyes of the planning committee he chose to base the project on raw polyhalite rather than the established products, SOP or MOP. By
Not only did the unknowledgeable planning committee buy the hype in a novel product but the CEO managed to sell the dream to independent investors through dodgy trial reporting, presentations and hot air. Once started these forums and traders pumped the dream and rational debate and concerns were stifled or eliminated by banning posters.
The joke is that these forums actually help private investors.
After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."
Little Jonny tells the class what he did during time home due to covd19 (see what I did there?)
"Sir, we stuffed fireworks up frogs a@rse ".
Teacher corrects"rectum, Jonny".
Jonny replies "wrecked'em? We blew em to f'ing bits ".
Sorry again! More time on hands.
Over to you Tuckupp.
I've heard that even the "ladies of the Night" are finding things "Hard" ATM
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
He's lucky he found a restaurant that was open.......LOL
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered.
"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the name of the owner."
Bert and Ethel were in their 80s when they met and fell in love.
Being old-fashioned, they decided to save themselves for their wedding night.
The big night came and Bert got himself into bed while Ethel ‘readied herself’ in the bedroom.
She came out and looked at Bert laying there. But something was clearly playing on her mind. ‘Bert’, she said, ‘there’s something that I should have told you before you married me’.
‘What dear‘, Bert replied, ‘you know you can tell me anything’.
‘Well, it’s this’, Ethel said nervously, ‘there’s no good way to say it but I’ve got acute angina’.
‘Thank God for that’, said Bert, ‘because your t!ts are horrible’.