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Today's Daily Mail - "Royal Mail's boss is facing calls to return to the UK from his Swiss penthouse- or quit". How embarrassing it would be for him if he were to lose his post.
the daily mirror have been accused of overcharging, the police are looking into it.
Sadly trading at Ann Summers has been suspended. :(
horse racing has been canceled today due to lockdown, profits should speed up, but remain STABLE.
The local mosque has survived, but prophets are down.
However, easyjet is taking off!
and about time to.
Tuckup the bad news continues I’m afraid, because our local clockmaker has been wound up.
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of COVID-19. A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Interflora is pruning its business and Dyno rod has gone down the drain. The saddest one though is the ice cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He couldn’t take it any more and topped himself, plus Iceland are on melt down and Specsavers can't see the way forward, all very sad.
i remember many many years ago we went up to scotland on a rugby tour and on the way back we stopped of for one night in liverpool and we went to a nightclub for another **** up, i think it was called baileys, anyway they had a comedian on and i was sitting in the front of the hall feeling rather ****ed, the comedian picked on me and said look at him with the long face and asked where i was from, i said port talbot, he said i did a show in taibach rugby club about five months ago, and i said, yes i remember you, i was there when they paid you off, i had the biggest laugh. TRUE STORY.
No, you two are not on your own.
...great, two punchlines for price of one.
Are we the only two left on here?
Comedian telling jokes to the only person left in the hall. He turns around And says "I never stop as long as simeone is listening ". To which the guy in the hall replies "I'm waiting to lock up mate ".
i thought you were going to say, she lost the PLOT.
Last year Joe bought his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Xmas.
This year, nothing.
"Why no prezy this year Joe" asks his wife.
"Well, she hasn't used her last years present yet ".
Hahaha! I was just about to put the lights out!
Joe was having a bad day, he rear ended the car in front.
Driver came out....turns out he's a dwarf.
"I'M NOT HAPPY " he shouted.
So Joe replies "well, which one are you then"?
Joining a new company, a guy had to take a physical with the company doctor.
All the tests came out fine but, after a brief hesitation, the doctor noted that he had the smallest ***** he'd ever seen. "Tell me," he said, "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?"
"No," he said. "I've got a great wife, three kids, and a normal sex life. I guess the only problem I ever have is finding it when I need to urinate."
"And yet you still have a normal sex life?"
"That's not a problem," he said, "because there's TWO of us looking for it then."
Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
Thanks for letting us all know about your luck. You are one lucky guy.
The only cow in a small scottish town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the welsh border in wrexham for £200.
They bought the cow from the welsh farmer and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. Any attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,buy this cow from a farmer in wrexham north wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "but How did you know we got the cow from wrexham, north wales.
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from wrexham."
A young farmer goes to market and buys a duck - it starts raining so he decides to go into a cinema - teller says - you cannot bring a duck in here - so he goes round the corner and stuffs the duck into his trousers - later on the back seat next to a courting couple the duck breaks out of his flies - the girl next to the farmer says to her boyfriend "Ere George - fella next to me has his John Thomas out of his trousers - George replies - yes and you have mine out of my trousers - yes she replies but your John Thomas is not eating my packet of crisps !
A Lion walks into a bar and asks if there are any vacancies. The manager tells him there's nothing and suggests he tries the circus which has just arrived in town. "Why would the circus want a barman ?" asks the Lion.
Joe is granted three wishes by his new found genie. "Can I get a never ending bottle of Guinness please?"
And for your remaining two wishes, enquires the genie.
"Oh I'll have another two of that Guinness bottle".
A bloke got granted three wishes from a genie after rubbing a lamp he found, he had to use the second wish to put right the chaos he caused with the first, so he took a few minutes to figure out the third. He had a date with a beautiful girl that night and he wanted to impress her, so taking all things into consideration and weighing up all the alternatives, he tells the genie he wants a tadger like an elephants trunk. Ok, other people might think of something else to wish for, but it's this guy wish, let's leave it at that. Anyway, he meets the beautiful girl in the best restaurant in town and everything is going great, they've had a couple of drinks, laugh at each other's stories, and order tomato soup, with a bread roll, for a starter, everything is perfect. Then, as they start to tuck into the soup, something happens, the bloke feels his flies being undone from the inside, and as they open, an elephant trunk emerges and raises up over the dining table before sniffing around the starter, it snaffles one of the bread rolls in between its foreskin and then delivers it into the blokes backside...be careful what you wish for.
Man gets out of bed very early Saturday morning, sneaks out to the garage, hooks up the boat and fishing gear and reverses out. The wind is gale force with torrential rain too. So he drives back in and slips into the bed, curdling his wife from the back says "it's awful out there ".
Wife replies "yes, and my husband is out there fishing ".
Joe and his wife are at her school reunion. She's starring at a bloke happily swigging double shots by himself. She turns to Joe and says "I was married to him once, before I met you, he took to drinking and I'm told has been like this since ".
"Wow! Who would have thought someone could carry on celebrating this long ".