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Member Info for Mr.Leeson


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Member Since: Thu, 2nd Dec 2010

Number of Share Chat Posts (all time): 851
Number of Share Chat Posts (last 30 days): 3

Last Posted: 1 Feb '16


Post Distribution over the last 30 days




1 Feb '16

Teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish
voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"......
26 Jan '16

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
13 Jan '16

What do you call a night cleaner with a bird of prey on each shoulder?

Hawk-Kestrel man hoovers in the dark.
6 Jan '16

A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00 am.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband."Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk.
31 Dec '15

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".
22 Dec '15

to all my friends and enemies.
14 Dec '15

IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION
>
> Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
>
> Do you suffer from shyness?
>
> Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
>
>
>> If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
>
> Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
>
> You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
>
> Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
>
> Stop hiding and start living.
>
> Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
>
> Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
>
> WARNINGS:
>
> * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
>
> * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
>
> * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
>
> * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
13 Dec '15

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid,but he says he can stop anytime.
12 Dec '15

In a cut sequence from the Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke, "Not only am I your Father, but I also know what you're getting for Christmas!"

Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously, "How could you possibly know what I'm getting for Christmas?"

Darth Vader said, "Because I've felt your presents."
9 Dec '15

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


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