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Member Info for Mr.Leeson

Premium Member

Member Since: Thu, 2nd Dec 2010

Number of Share Chat Posts (all time): 1,409
Number of Share Chat Posts (last 30 days): 6

Last Posted: Thu 17:12

Post Distribution over the last 30 days

Thu 17:12

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.

"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man.

"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you."

"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot. "A double whisky and coke, *****, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot

The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word.

"Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee". "Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away."

By which time the parrot has finished his drink.

"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot. "Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, *****, I can't wait all night!"

Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee.

Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.

"Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"

Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, opens the door and ejects them from the plane. As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a gobby bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"

Thu 08:26

A man and his son are sitting by the ice, fishing, when this voice says, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

He says to his son, "Did you hear something?" and carries on fishing.

Again the voice says, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

The man looks up and says, "Is that you Jesus?"

22 Jul '15

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler: "Seamus... Seamus... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back? That'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"Oh, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.

"Well," said one of the farmers, "he was alright when we found him here, but since we turned his head back to front... he hasn't said a word since!"
16 Jul '15

This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
15 Jul '15

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "That's not a pig but a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I wasn't talking to you."

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