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Member Info for Mr.Leeson

Premium Member

Member Since: Thu, 2nd Dec 2010

Number of Share Chat Posts (all time): 1,413
Number of Share Chat Posts (last 30 days): 6

Last Posted: 19 Aug '15

Post Distribution over the last 30 days

19 Aug '15

Steve and Sara met while on a Royal Caribbean singles cruise and Steve fell head over heels for her. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Steve had taken Sara to the movies, restaurants, concerts, and museums. Steve became convinced that Sara was indeed the one and his true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Steve took Sara to a fine dinning experience to a posh restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Steve said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I like a little serious thought before our relationship continues to the next stage. So before I get out a box from my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I am a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breath golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

Sara took a deep breath and responded, “Steve, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as who you are and I love golf too; but, if we are being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last 4 years I’ve been a hooker.”

“Oh wow! I see.” Steve replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a minute. Deep in serious thought then he added, “you know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

18 Aug '15

Following the Scheme of Arrangement and Acquisition by General Sales & Leasing Inc (GSL) in January 2014 you have received a payment in lieu of your entitlement to a fraction of a New GSL share.

The fractional payment has been based on the value of each New Ordinary share being 3.7145 pence and we can confirm that the cash has now been credited to your account.

Please note due to issues with the market on which GSL trades, we have been unable to sell out any fractional entitlements from our nominee until now. This has resulted in a delay in issuing your fractional payment.

Should you wish to find more information about the Scheme of Arrangement, please visit the Xenetic Biosciences website,
8 Aug '15

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. Now the farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they each agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the Jeep (which was the only vehicle they had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, but if they're rolling in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, in the mud again! And the next morning, MUD again! This continued all week until the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Darling, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field grazing." The wife looked out the window and then yelled back, "Neither, they're in the Jeep and one of them is honking the horn."
4 Aug '15

So this bloke goes in shop and asks for Irish Sausages.

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"

"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

"Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

"Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?"

"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in B&Q."
30 Jul '15

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.

"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man.

"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you."

"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot. "A double whisky and coke, *****, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot

The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word.

"Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee". "Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away."

By which time the parrot has finished his drink.

"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot. "Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, *****, I can't wait all night!"

Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee.

Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.

"Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"

Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, opens the door and ejects them from the plane. As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a gobby bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"

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